Your Honest NBA All-Star Weekend Viewing Guide

Starring Ben Affleck, a Peloton guy, multiple Antetokounmpii and a multiversal Mac McClung.

Good morning. Let’s basketball.

Evening on Karl Johan Street, Edvard Munch, 1892

Should you watch all of NBA All-Star Weekend? Heavens no! As a pay-per-post blogger back in the day, I used to do this. I mean, I basically had to do this. The Celebrity Game. The Skills Challenge. The Rookie Game. Remember the H.O.R.S.E. contest? Yeah, I blogged the H.O.R.S.E. contest.

At some point in the late 2000s or early 2010s I convinced myself that all this All-Star stuff was good content, that I enjoyed it. Call it self-care delusion. Call it Stockholm Syndrome. Call it youthful exuberance. Whatever the case: I was wrong. Most of this stuff is completely forgettable.

So here’s my honest viewing guide for the weekend’s festivities.

FRIDAY

All-Star Celebrity Game (presented by a potato chip brand), 7 PM ET, ESPN

What is it? Some celebrities play basketball. Rock ‘n Jock without any charm.

Who is playing this year? The best players involved are Arike Ogunbowale and Diamond DeShields. Unless Lisa Leslie still has it, then it’s her. A Peloton coach is the reigning MVP. Simu Liu from the wonderful Netflix show Kim’s Convenience and also Shang Chi is playing. 21 Savage is playing. Nicky Jam and Ozuna are playing. Great human/Kings fan Hasan Minhaj and country dude Kane Brown are now perennial participants. Janelle Monae is playing. Lindsay Vonn is playing. The Jazz’s franchise owner appears to be playing. And Dwyane Wade might play, too? Some other athletes both current and retired, including Frances Tiafoe, are playing. Tiafoe might win MVP. That Peloton dude is pretty good though, I gather, having already won a Celebrity Game MVP. Count the ringz, you know?

What is the most redeeming part of this event? Watching the token WNBA players cook male non-athletes. There’s also always a celebrity that takes it entirely too seriously, similar to early Giannis in the proper All-Star Game. This used to be Education Secretary Arne Duncan.

What is the most WTF headline concerning this event on the NBA’s webpage?

What’s the event dirty little secret? It really lost its luster when it became clear Barack Obama would never agree to play.

Should I watch this event? No, absolutely not. I will share the obligatory highlight of Arike crossing up Guillermo from Jimmy Kimmel Live on Monday. I’ve got you.

Rising Stars (presented by a sneaker and apparel brand), 9 PM ET, TNT

What is it? Some first and second year players have some fake All-Star Games.

Who is playing this year? It’s a 4-team tournament like last year. The best rookies and sophomores in the NBA were drafted into three teams by coaches Deron Williams, Pau Gasol and Joakim Noah. Yes, we’re at the “Deron Williams, Pau Gasol and Joakim Noah are honorary coaches during All-Star Weekend” stage of our lives. Jason Terry will coach a roster of the best G League players. All the players you would suspect are involved are, in fact, involved, except the Jalens Green and Duren are injured and Shaedon Sharpe was snubbed (which was immediately followed by an announcement he was dropping out of the Dunk Contest).

What’s the most redeeming part of this event? Several of these players are outrageous athletic or creative. Without their crusty NBA coaches looking over their shoulders, these dudes will Try Some Stuff. The highlights are generally interesting.

What’s the event’s dirty little secret? There are always a few players who are quite obviously “too good” to participate who underwhelm because they don’t know how to play in a no-defense track meet. This year, that’s clearly Evan Mobley. He’s athletic and capable of fun. But this doesn’t seem like his basketball vibe.

Should I watch this event? As long as you don’t get mad at the lack of defense in the All-Star Game (hi Dad), you might find something to enjoy here. Or you can wait for the highlights. You’re not going to miss anything in terms of lore or pure sporting excitement by watching the best bits later.

SATURDAY

All-Star Practice/Media Day (presented by a phone carrier), 1 PM ET, NBA TV

It’s practice. What are we even talking about here? It’s practice. Maybe it’s kinda interesting in person? It’s practice. There aren’t even any interesting storylines this year, like the whole Russell Westbrook-Kevin Durant thing from 2017. It’s practice! And they don’t even know the teams until Sunday evening — what are they practicing?!

NBA x HBCU Classic (presented by that same phone carrier), 4 PM ET, NBA TV/ESPN2/ TNT

This is Grambling vs. Southern in a real college basketball game. If you like college basketball, particularly if you like Grambling or Souther, feel free to watch!

Commissioner Adam Silver Press Conference (presented by a sports league commissioner), 7 PM ET, NBA TV

This is actually pretty important and I try to watch it live or in full the next morning. But I write about basketball, so that’s why it’s important to me. If you don’t write about basketball, I can’t imagine why you’d want to watch any sort of press conference!

I am quite curious if any reporters will ask Silver about the decision to hold All-Star in Utah given the anti-abortion and anti-trans legislation that has been approved in the state, in the context of Silver’s past decisions to move All-Star out of states with regressive laws.

Skills Challenge (presented by a car manufacturer), 8ish PM ET, TNT

What is it? Three teams compete in a series of skills-related challenges that test both abilities and comprehension.

Who is participating this year? The three teams are … the Antetokounmpii (Giannis, Alex and Thanasis), the Rookies (Paolo Banchero, Jabari Smith Jr. and Jaden Ivey) and the Jazz (Jordan Clarkson, Walker Kessler and Collin Sexton).

What is the most redeeming part of this event? It’s either the hilarious inability of supremely talented athletes repeatedly botching simple basketball skills, or it’s when giant lumbering oafs show how remarkably elegant they can be, or it’s when teams don’t understand the rules of the event and get mad confused and just start scrambling around like kindergarteners on a sugar rush.

What is the event’s dirty little secret? Reluctant participants used to tank the first round to get eliminated and sit the rest of the event. You can’t do that with the newer format that keeps everyone involved until the end.

Should I watch this event? Let me ask you this: would you otherwise want to watch Walker Kessler, Jabari Smith Jr. or Alex Antetokounmpo make 35-foot outlet passes at a moving target, or watch Paolo Banchero, Thanasis Antetokounmpo and Collin Sexton complete agility drills? There’s your answer.

3-Point Contest (presented by some weird apparent soft drink or perhaps a flavored seltzer that I have otherwise never heard of; I’m not researching this in service of this bit because THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THE BRAND WANTS ME TO DO, that’s why they paid to be the naming sponsor of the 3-Point Contest!), sometime after 8PM ET, TNT

What is it? Dudes shoot 27 three-pointers in 70 seconds. The colorful balls are worth extra. The Corporate Sponsor Balls are worth even more. If players are successful, they get to do it again for a trophy.

Who is participating this year? Here are the contestants along with their rank in three-point percentage among all NBA players who qualify for the leaderboard according to B-Ref (148 players qualify).

• Tyrese Haliburton (#36)

• Tyler Herro (#76)

• Buddy Hield (#8)

• Kevin Huerter (#46)

• Damian Lillard (#73)

• Lauri Markkanen (#22)

• Jayson Tatum (#95)

• Julius Randle (#120)

Dare I say that this is a perfect field?

What is the most redeeming part of this event? This event can get quite exciting when someone gets unreasonably hot, or when the final round is very competitive.

What is the event’s dirty little secret? Uh, it’s a bunch of professional basketball players doing rushed shooting drills for a trophy.

Should I watch this event? Dame is the reason to watch here. Steph and Klay were past reasons to watch. I feel like you really need to love analyzing shooting mechanics to want to watch 297 spot-up threes over the course of a half-hour. I’ll probably watch, though. I want to see Julius Randle and his career 33.4% shooting average win this.

Slam Dunk Contest (presented by that same telephone carrier from earlier in the day), pretty close to 9:30 PM ET depending on what surprise musical guests Adam Silver invites like he did with VANILLA ICE in the year of our Lord 2014 (never forget), TNT

What is it? Dunks, graded by some haters, while more haters talk about how garbage the dunk contest is these days.

Who is participating this year? Folks …

• Kenyon “KJ” Martin Jr.

• Trey Murphy III

• Jericho Sims

• Mac McClung

Are … are you serious? Yes.

Please hype me up. Impossible. I am but a mortal. But OK, here are some highlight reels of these participants, just in case they can stir something.

KJ Martin is a great in-game power dunker.

Trey Murphy III gets the aesthetics of dunking.

Jericho Sims can absolutely fly.

Mac McClung? Mac? Mc? Clung?

Zillz, do you really watch this thing? Regrettably, every damn year. I can’t tell if the Teen Titans GO! broadcast of the Dunk Contest on Cartoon Network is live or broadcast later. If it’s live, I might opt for that. I don’t know that I can stand watching ultracreep Karl Malone give out 7s.

SUNDAY

NBA Legends Awards, 1 PM ET, NBA TV

There is literally no information about what this is on the internet.

NBA G League Next Up Game, 3 PM ET, NBA TV

This is the G League All-Star Game. I watched it one year. It was definitely an All-Star Game featuring players who are generally not quite NBA level. It is what it says on the box. One nice wrinkle is that future No. 2 pick Scoot Henderson is playing. Also, if you don’t get your fill of Mac McClung on Saturday, he’s in this too!

NBA All-Star Pregame Show, 6 PM ET, TNT

No. NO! Don’t do it.

NBA All-Star Draft (presented by a sneaker and apparel brand named after an NBA legend), 7:30 PM ET, TNT

This is the most important event of 2023 All-Star Weekend and maybe our lives: LeBron and Giannis will draft their teams for the All-Star Game that begins 30-90 minutes later. This is going to be great. If you watch one thing All-Star Weekend, I implore you to watch the All-Star draft. And I implore Turner Sports and the NBA to have a hi-def camera on every single player gathered for the draft.

There’s a NEW, bizarre wrinkle: the captains will apparently draft all of the reserves first, then draft starters. It makes no sense from a team construction point of view. None whatsoever! But the league seems to be concerned that, say, Domantas Sabonis or Tyrese Haliburton might be the last player picked overall, and would then get trolled. So they’ll make Kyrie Irving or Ja Morant the last player picked instead. But people aren’t stupid and will know that, actually, the last reserve picked is truly the last player picked.

Anyways, despite attempts to ruin this, I am legitimately excited to see what happens. I only wish Kevin Durant were healthy and a captain. He’s the only honest man left in America.

NBA All-Star Game, 8:30 PM ET, TNT

Pre-game musical performance by Post Malone. (Personally, I’ll pass. To each their own.) Player intros by Vin Diesel. (There must be a F&F movie coming out soon.) American anthem by Jewel. Canadian anthem by Jully Black. Halftime show is headlined by Burna Boy. I’m hoping TNT can find a way to get Vernon Maxwell involved in some way. I am hoping even more that John Stockton is nowhere to be seen. I will also pass on ultracreep Karl Malone and his 10-gallon hat.

The All-Star Game itself: really good and worth watching for the lore-building aspects, which are all throughout the game. Mid-game interviews, mic’d up moments, huddles, the actual play on the floor, especially the end of the game. All-Star itself is a rich text, I think it’s worth watching if you like the NBA. It’s not real basketball, but it’s real NBA. If that makes sense. Maybe this is a lasting effect of the Blog Boy Syndrome, but I truly enjoy and look forward to the All-Star Game. If you subscribe to this newsletter, I think you’ll like to too!

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Scores

Bucks 112, Bulls 100 — Milwaukee’s win streak hits 12 games. Giannis did sprain his wrist in the first half, so I’m not so sure he’ll get to participate in the Skills Challenge or All-Star Game after all! I wonder who the NBA would sub into Team Antetokounmpo for the Skills Challenge.

The Bulls go into the break with six straight losses, two games out of the No. 10 spot and 6.5 games out of the No. 6 seed. They finished No. 6 last season with a 46-36 record. They are currently on pace for a 36-46 finish.

Wizards 114, Timberwolves 106 — You know who is ahead of the Bulls? The Washington Wizards. The Wizards were down 20 in the first quarter and double-digits entering the fourth. Is Bradley Beal back? I know he’s physically back on the court, but is he back?

Clippers 116, Suns 107 — Big game for L.A., albeit before Kevin Durant’s Suns debut. The Clippers go into the break a win ahead of Phoenix, even in the loss column. L.A. can still earn a draw in the head-to-head tiebreaker, too.

These teams do not want to face each other in the first round. We can all agree on that, right? Barring further injury, I’m presuming both will make the top-6, which means neither will face Denver in the first round. A 4-5 match-up between the Suns and Clippers with the winner getting Denver in the semis would be great for neutral fans … and terrible for those three teams. I think it’s reasonable to assume one of these teams could grab the No. 3 seed. If the other team is in the 4-5 series with Sacramento, Dallas or a late riser like New Orleans or Minnesota, that seems like a better situation for both the team that ends up in 3, the team that doesn’t, and Denver. There’s also a chance here that one or both of these teams catches Memphis, who has been pretty inconsistent of late.

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Alright, that’s it for this week. Back on Monday with some All-Star reactions, then have a couple of interesting pieces planned for the rest of the break. Be excellent to each other.