The All-NBA Escape Room Team
Which four players would be the best escape room teammates?
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Let’s basketball.
Relativity, M.C. Escher
This topic comes from a mailbag question from longtime reader and Friend of GMIB @RMJ_equals_hero, who is very funny on Twitter (you should follow him):
I was listening to the Lowe Post and Danny Green was talking about team function. Green mentioned that Dwight Howard had mentioned doing an escape room as a good team function because he had done several. Now, setting aside that the worst person in the entire world to do an escape room with would be Dwight Howard, who would be your top 4 [active NBA player] escape room attendees assuming the normal escape room goals (get out as quick as possible)?
This is a fascinating exercise. I should say up front that I am bad at escape rooms. Having been a child know-it-all, being raised by know-it-alls, I am super self-conscious in most situations about being perceived as being a know-it-all. I overcorrected somewhere along the way, and am now more likely to pretend I have no idea what’s going on than to solve something like a puzzle in an escape room.
Also, I’m bad at logic puzzles.
So that colors my selections, since I am assuming I am the fifth, mostly useless team member on this theoretical squad. I need smart people, and at least one person unafraid to take the management lead.
I need Chris Paul.
Now Chris Paul, while being extremely smart and willing to grab the bull by its horns and other parts as necessary, is also known as somewhat of a tyrant. So putting other abrasive personalities around him will be devastating to my team’s chances of getting out of the escape room ASAP. I can’t put Jimmy Butler on this team, as much as I might want to. Jimmy would jackhammer the wall with his elbow to win the challenge, but he’d probably jackhammer Chris Paul with his elbow first.
I need smart, strong-willed team members who aren’t the type of players to embarrass their young teammates in a practice after holding out from training camp.
I need Jaylen Brown.
You also need someone fun on your team. Chris Paul is not fun. I know less about Jaylen’s personality, but I would think he’d be too focused on solving puzzles to be fun. I need Robin Lopez.
This might be a little too much fun. Robin might suplex the costumed host of the escape room before we even get inside. He might try to prank CP3 inside the room, which would not go over well at all. But levity is important, and RoLo would bring that for sure. We just need to make sure he drinks decaf during our pregame warm-ups.
Finally, I need a confidence booster. Someone to cheer the team on. Specifically, someone to cheer me on when I’m staring at three clocks set to different times and trying to figure out what the Hades it’s all supposed to mean. Ronny Turiaf is not an active NBA player, unfortunately. Robert Sacre isn’t walking through that door.
I need Kent Bazemore. Yes, I need Kent Bazemore.
So there’s my squad: Chris Paul (the Leonardo), Jaylen Brown (the Donatello), Robin Lopez (the Raphael) and Kent Bazemore (the Michelangelo).
Honorable mentions include LeBron of course (you don’t need both him and CP3, plus he’d definitely break any rules on not Instagramming from inside the room); C.J. McCollum, for his brains and good attitude; Jrue Holiday, for his brains and good attitude; Boban Marjanovic as the combo RoLo-Bazemore option; a Steph Curry-Klay Thompson combo for all sorts of good vibes; Andre Iguodala, because he’d probably negotiate to get us paid for our time in the escape room. I would pick Jeremy Lin were he still in the NBA. I assume he’s single-handedly solved every escape room in every city he’s played.
Scores
Clippers 103, Sixers 110 — Philadelphia remains excellent at home (a league best 25-2) and this is a very, very good win from them. Notably, Al Horford came off the bench for the first time this season. (Furkan Kormaz, hot lately, replaced him and went 0-5. 🤷). Joel Embiid with 26 in 29 minutes, Ben Simmons with a 26-point triple double. Paul George complained about uneven officiating and also shot 3-15 from the floor.
Bulls 114, Wizards 126 — Six straight losses for Chicago. Still only 4.5 games out of No. 8. The Wizards are only three out at 19-33! Yikes.
Blazers 117, Pelicans 138 — Huge win for New Orleans if they take seriously their shot at really being in the mix for the No. 8 seed. The Pels went +20 in the third. Career high 31 for Zion Williamson, who is good. A little disappointing to see that Smoothie King Center still isn’t filling up for him (about 2,000 empty seats on Tuesday).
Spurs 114, Thunder 106 — San Antonio stops the bleeding! Good win. Five back in the loss.
Celtics 105, Rockets 116 — Houston moves to 2-2 since disabling the regulators and going subatomic. Really entertaining game and I do think the Rockets are onto something. I don’t think anyone can call them unwatchable any more.
Schedule
Busy getaway Wednesday before All-Star Weekend with 11 games including an ESPN double dip. All times are Eastern. Games are on League Pass unless otherwise noted.
Hawks at Cavaliers, 7
Pistons at Magic, 7
Raptors at Nets, 7:30
Bucks at Pacers, 7:30, ESPN — no Giannis due to a brief paternity leave
Wizards at Knicks, 7:30
Blazers at Grizzlies, 8 — crucial playoff race battle
Hornets at Wolves, 8
Kings at Mavericks, 8:30
Warriors at Suns, 9
Heat at Jazz, 9
Lakers at Nuggets, 10, ESPN — big game!
Links
Um, the Mercury are in talks to grab Tina Charles and Skylar Diggins-Smith? In this economy? I said yesterday the West is stacked. Folks, THE WEST IS STACKED.
Here are Matt Ellentuck’s early winners and losers from free agency. The Sun are totally going for it.
Kim McCauley on the excellent example Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union are giving parents everywhere as they support and love unconditionally their trans daughter Zaya. I really feel that this is a huge helping of good that D-Wade and Gabby are doing for the world.
Andre Iguodala’s return brought joy to Golden State, where it has been in short supply this season.
For SB Nation, I wrote about the Knicks already being on the clock in this new era.
Haley O’Shaughnessy on Joel Embiid wanting to be a “good a—hole.”
Ryan Jones looks back on the making of Vinsanity.
Which is Diana Taurasi’s best WNBA season?
The Grizzlies pulled off the perfect small-market rebuild.
Jared Dubin on Ja Morant’s ceiling.
Alex Wong collects some of the great quotes from the first half of the NBA season.
No Worldwide Wes in Knicksland.
Nick Friedell on the Jimmy Butler bet that Bulls didn’t make.
Michael Pina on Jayson Tatum becoming a superstar right before our eyes.
Thanks for your support. Be excellent to each other.