The 10 types of 'Nailed It!' contestants as explained by the 2018 Cleveland Cavaliers

The 2018 Cleveland Cavaliers can explain so much of the world, including the best show on television.

Good morning. Let’s basketball.

I am an avowed fan of Nailed It!, the Netflix baking competition that pits three home bakers of ill repute against each other in two completely absurd baking challenges, both of which often boil down to decorating with fondant and modeling chocolate, neither of which is edible. It’s heaps of knowing absurdity piled onto a rice cereal treat base and delivered by a really, really funny host in Nicole Byer. I highly recommend it.

If you’re also a Nailed It! fan or want to see what the fuss is about, here are the 10 types of Nailed It! contestants as explained by the 2018 Cleveland Cavaliers. Enjoy.

The Clueless Contestant Put Up To This By Someone Close To Them aka The Dwyane Wade

This is a blessed archetype. This contestant has never watched the show, or watched it once out of a sense of duty to their loved one but was scrolling on their phone at the same time. Their loved one found out how to submit someone as a contestant, they got picked, they chose not to watch the show to prepare and HERE THEY ARE, out of a sense of duty to someone they really care about.

This is Bryan from Season 4 Episode 7. His tween daughter signed him up beknownst to him.

He is not happy to be here and will be requesting a buyout at midseason.

(Minor spoiler alert: there’s a major twist in that episode and Bryan is actually very sweet about it all.)

The Irrationally Overconfident Baker aka The Jordan Clarkson

I suppose you have to have some confidence to agree to be on a televised baking competition. But the contestants that come in guaranteeing victory who then get egg shell in the cake batter and freehand mango extract into their buttercream have, perhaps, a little too much confidence.

The freehanding of ingredients is absolutely the No. 1 most maddening thing about this amateur bakers. The first rule of home baking is to make it edible, even if it’s ugly. Ingredients are expensive and baking takes time. The goal is to get something enjoyable at the end, even if it’s a mess. You’re not going to get something edible if you’re not using your measuring spoons for the very strong flavors you’re using!

The Unassuming Ringer aka The Kevin Love

You absolutely cannot judge a baker by their look or vibes. You’ll get a grandma baking some cookies that look like dog biscuits and some college students who will get you a three-tiered quasi-masterpiece.

The Baker Coasting Off Inputs From A Loved One aka The Larry Nance

This contestant either explicitly mentions that his wife/mom/professional chef friend told him to do these insider techniques, like using a little buttercream on the side of a sponge to make fondant stick, or blast-chilling cakes before decorating them. This archetype also doubles as The Wife Guy. No offense to Larry Nance, who I don’t know to be a Wife Guy specifically.

That said, the greatest Wife Guy/Baker Coasting Off Inputs From A Love One is from this newest season and also happens to be named Larry.

The Baker Who Belongs On Bake-Off Not Nailed It aka The LeBron James

There is perhaps one of these per season, a contestant who somehow gets on the show despite having spent a summer working at Tartine and has baked entirely through The Pie and Pastry Bible. Competence is UNWELCOME here. Be gone.

The One-Trick Pony Artist aka The Kyle Korver

Most contestants can bake just fine but can’t decorate. That leads to the best (err, most entertaining) results, and so that’s who the producers chase. But sometimes an artist will get on there and be really good at, saying, making delightful little modeling chocolate babies. And be completely mediocre at everything else involved with baking a giant, intricate cake. But the chocoloate babies are cute!

The Person Who Is Just Here To Get Famous aka The Tristan Thompson

You can spot a fame-chaser immediately: loud clothes, an obviously crafted story hook and sometimes even a CATCHPHRASE.

For those who have watched Season 4, I’m just going to say one word: BURSTING.

The Person Who Made One Awesome Thing Like 10 Years Ago And Is Still Coasting On That Success aka The Kendrick Perkins

No further comment is required.

The Overmatched Fan Favorite aka The Cedi Osman

The structure of the competition is such that the first round doesn’t really matter (winner gets the gold chef’s hat and a prize of variable value). But viewers and judges quickly find out who is completely overmatched yet lovable in that first round. And to see that lovable, disastrous contestant try to tackle the insane Round 2 challenge … what a treat.

The Panicked Person Who Has No Concept of Time Or Reality aka The J.R. Smith

And finally, the most perfect type of Nailed It contestant has as their avatar the most perfect member of the 2018 Cleveland Cavaliers.

This contestant alternately has zero sense of urgency and runs around like they or their cakes are on fire. This contestant gets to the pantry and forgets what they came for. This contestant doesn’t set the timer on their cakes. This contestant doesn’t measure. This contestant puts candy pieces or crushed Shredded Wheat on as decoration. This contestant loses count of how many eggs they put in the batter. This contestant puts modeling chocolate in the microwave to make it pliable. This contestant makes half as many cakes as they need.

Bless their hearts for the amazing content.

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